


c/o The Circus

by spookygoats



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, rated t for cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 18:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4677017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookygoats/pseuds/spookygoats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Writing letters to someone you'll probably never meet might seem like it's just a bullshit New Age exercise, but hey, you might meet her someday. Stranger things have happened and anyway, there's never any shame in being prepared for all possible outcomes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	c/o The Circus

Dear Madam,

You probably don’t know who I am (unless you’ve been following the conflict out on Chorus. In that case, you might have a vague idea), but I’ve been living and working with your son for most of my military career and I will tell you this: It has been an experience.

With all due respect, ma’am, your son is a sorry, disgraceful excuse for a soldier and a human being. He doesn’t get up at a reasonable hour, pick up after himself, perform training drills or do his laundry. In fact, I think the only reason he hasn’t been written up for failing to meet basic hygienic standards is that I do his laundry. (That alone just might make me a better mother than you were, but that’s one of the thoughts I try to repress as much as possible.) I am also fairly sure there’s something under his bed that’s been rotting for so long that it’s evolved into a whole new life form. I haven’t worked up the nerve to check and I don’t think he’s even considered doing anything about it. Possibly because he’s too busy committing petty larceny and identity theft, or thinking deep thoughts while he’s on the clock. Or probably because he just can’t be bothered. Whatever the case, I’m just going to go out on a limb and guess that you might not have set the best example as far as housework and general discipline go.

But in spite of Dexter’s many and varied flaws (see above), it’s actually been pretty great having him around for all these years. Surprisingly great. He’s ~~relatively~~ smart, an exceptional conversationalist and a pretty decent soldier when he wants to be. He drove right through a wall once (which takes both skill and a lot of determination) and he’s handled a number of unorthodox weapons. Sure, maybe he only managed to use them a couple of times before they got confiscated, but I think it still counts. And it might not be my place to question your parental tactics, but maybe he would have a better knack for weapon commitment if he’d had a stable upbringing. Maybe if he’d had a stable upbringing, he would have even made it into a real unit and fallen in with a different crowd. A crowd that isn’t full of cannon-fodder and military disappointment.

You may or may not be aware of this, but your son has a lot of potential. In fact, he has more wasted potential than anyone I’ve ever met and being part of a military unit designated for meaningless training exercises in canyons, I have seen a lot of wasted potential. Who knows how he would have turned out if he actually decided to give a ~~fuck~~ damn? Just take a moment out of your busy day to think about that. He could have been anything—but you set him up for miserable, humiliating failure, and I’m reaping all the benefits.

Somehow, he’s kept me relatively sane out here. I really don’t know how that worked out because he’s pretty well the physical manifestation of everything that drives me completely insane. I can’t explain it, and believe me, I have tried. I’ve lost a few nights’ sleep trying to explain it. Maybe there’s truth to that “opposites attract” cliché. Or we could just be assholes in complimentary ways. Or he might be one of those cases where something is so unbelievably awful that it comes around full circle and becomes great. Can you explain it? Probably not. How would you be able to explain it? You probably have no idea of how amazing and repulsive your son is.

Upon further reflection, he might be one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. He’s grown on me, kind of like the mysterious lifeform under his bed, but a little less repulsive and lot more comforting. From what I can tell, the feeling is mutual and I think I might have you to thank for that. In part anyway, because I honestly can’t say how much credit you and his mysterious enigmatic circus childhood should be taking for his weird, underachieving dysfunction. Or how much credit his weird, underachieving dysfunction should be taking for into what we have going on right now. Honestly, ma’am, I try not to think about that too much because it would just makes things weird. I’ve just come to accept it and I personally think it’s much better that way.

Anyway, that’s how Dexter’s been holding up lately. I figured you might be out of the loop, given that you literally walked out on him to join the circus, so I just thought I’d take the liberty of bringing you back up to speed. There’s no need to thank me.

 

 

Sincerely,

  
Captain Dick Simmons  
The United Red and Blue Armies of Project Freelancer

P.S. Maybe you didn’t pick up on this, but just F.Y.I., I’m the guy who’s ~~fucking~~ personally involved with your son. This could be the part where I’m supposed to ask for your blessing, but all things considered (see above), I don’t really think I need it.

So I think we’re just going to keep doing what we’re doing and if you ever manage to care enough to take issue with that, then you can go ahead and suck it, ma’am.

**Author's Note:**

> This goes out to goodnight-vale who rightly felt that there wasn't enough talk on Grif's tragic backstory following O'Malley's flawless counselling session, and to moosetashioedmonocle who was an absolutely fantastic beta reader. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed it! I certainly had fun writing it.


End file.
